Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
