Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
