im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
