who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
