Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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