Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
