If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I think your dad took our porno
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
