the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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