it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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