I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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