after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
