I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
