I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
