I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
True strength comes from lack of pants
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
