I got chris browned last night
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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