Having a random hookup so left but love u
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
