I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
