how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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