she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I think pants incapable of making pants work
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
