The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
