I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Randomize