I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
