I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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