just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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