OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
