she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
