It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
