I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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