i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
