I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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