I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
