So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
