I wish I only lived at night.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
What drink are we having for lunch?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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