Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
