okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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