fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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