I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
You're like the curious george of whores
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
