Swine flu. Run for my life!
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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