franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
