listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
