It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
