Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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