You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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