Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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