Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
