Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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