i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
