Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
