Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize