I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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