Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
