This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
