The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Randomize
