Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I lost the right to judge tonight
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize