guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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