Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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