she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
