Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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