at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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