if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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