i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
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