My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Randomize
