i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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