My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
